Despair is one of the most venomous emotions. It is a complete absence of hope. Think of that for a minute…complete hopelessness.
People who experience deep despair are deprived of the hope to get better, hope to change, and hope to love. They just can’t imagine the near or far future being any better. And, supporting that complete hopelessness is often the equally malicious conditions of self-blame, self-rejection, self-pity, or self-dislike. Notice how “self” is a common theme?
But the question is: how does a person who experiences hopelessness become strong enough to arise and start living with purpose, fulfilling a legacy, and living peacefully in the present moment?
It always helps to first identify and observe the thoughts that immediately precede the despair. Think of this as the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) method – you can find many CBT exercises online, but simply sitting in silence and observing thoughts may help expose discrepancies in thinking and thought patterns. The foundation of despair, and all dreadful emotions, is a thought or thought-cluster that needs to be observed.
For example:
Jane has fallen in a state of deep despair after her boyfriend of three years left her. She had high hopes for their future: she wanted to grow the relationship, embark on journeys with him, marry, and start a family with this young man. He, at times, would give her assurances that he wanted the same future with her. When the relationship ended spontaneously, she was not prepared for the possibility of living a life without him and without their near and distant future plans manifesting. Now she is in limbo, in despair – hopeless for a better future. She believes she’s destined to be alone forever. When friends say, “You’ll be fine. You’ll move on. You’ll find someone else; someone better,” she doesn’t believe their words…not because she’s angry, skeptical, or pessimistic, but because she’s in despair.
In other words, she has lost the ability to hope again, imagine a better tomorrow, and she has lost her focus on the present moment. Days just pass, and she’s unaware of the time flying by. The shock and pain caused a shift in her heart. In some ways, she’s emotionally blind. Her confidence has waned. She begins to believe that the relationship ended because she wasn’t smart enough nor beautiful enough for him. She begins to believe these erroneous thoughts, and she’s failing to see that these thoughts are not her own – that is, she was previously shown, told, and taught that a happy life was only possible with a handsome partner, fairytale marriage, big family, and a certain appearance.
Is Jane causing the despair she experiences? Is she to blame? Is her ex-boyfriend to blame?
In short, nobody’s to blame. It’s an experience that she’ll need to navigate through. If people are looking for someone to blame, it may be fair to blame the people who have taught the person to falsely hope, dream, and think in a particular way. But even those people aren’t really to blame, because they too have been influenced.
Hoping can be a dreadful disease if it’s taken too seriously.
In essence, deep despair occurs because we have adopted ideas that do not allow us to live content and happy lives in the present moment. Whereas Jane experienced despair after her breakup, an entirely different girl may experience peace at the end of a relationship. This other girl’s teacher may have been a loving parent, wise classroom instructor, or the actual condition of despair – it’s often at rock bottom that a person realizes there is nothing to worry about; because life isn’t about hoping for a better future, but instead experiencing the present moment in all of its wonderment.
To sum up: A gentle way to arise from despair is to observe the thoughts underlying broken hopes and dreams, identifying these thoughts and their erroneous messages, and letting them pass. Those thoughts are not “you.” Then, see the experience as a positive. Use despair to become more enlightened as a person. If you observe, identify, and assess the thoughts, you’ll learn a lot about yourself. It’ll be an eye-opening experience and freeing.
To live without hope may actually be a wonderful thing, because you’ll have more time and energy to exist here and now.
‘What could have been‘ and ‘what might be‘…both are illusions.
Be courageous and venture into the present moment, even if you are currently experiencing despair.
